WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Flock of bats
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov