[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
me when i see my girls butt
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”