Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.