When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.