Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
A bold strategy