It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Okay
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Bread puns are on the rise!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?