I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t