*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
when someone rings the doorbell
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.