Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
He wanted to make sure😂
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!