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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.