We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i鈥檒l be dead
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what鈥檇 you do?
George: I left. I鈥檓 not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
馃
where did they come from?
where did they go????
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.