Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
This probably isn’t good
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?