Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.