Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
*orders delivery*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.