If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
You Might Also Like
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Netflix: We have Less
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.