[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Mood.. 😂
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Hey i am sexy to you now
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?