Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.