DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
s
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.