Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
describing stardew valley
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.