Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds