I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.