i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
i want to work in this restaurant
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up