-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?