[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*