Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same