My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
wtf management?!
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?