I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My favorite female superhero
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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