I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
You Might Also Like
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”