OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.