Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?