COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?