In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.