Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
You Might Also Like
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.