her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
You Might Also Like
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
it be like that
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….