Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
You Might Also Like
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
termite twitter scares me
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
This one’s “Alex”.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…