It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Netflix: We have Less
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”