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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
This is me 🤣🤣
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.