My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.