the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
☠️☠️☠️
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it