I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
You Might Also Like
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off