One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.