My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
smartest karate player in the world
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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