Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I’m not wrong
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”