Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
This a good idea
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.