[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends