Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.