I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
not seeing the problem
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.