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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn