I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.