[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed